Speaking of Halloween, what the hell is it with those sound effect CDs where they lump in such non-October 31st-ish sounds such as “Alien Laboratory”?  Aliens?  Really? I suppose if you lived in a trailer park, drove a pick-up held together by three wheels and a body of rust, and had a third grade education, yeah, I can see you being afraid of aliens.  Especially because of the anal probing.  (Not that anal probing is bad, per se; all I know is it’s not for me.  When I introduce people to my brown-eyed-girl, I’m speaking solely about my wife.)

Halloween is about more earthly frights such as vampires, werewolves, witches and the religious right.  I know I’m old and the kids need to get off my lawn and all, but remember the old sound effects albums our parents used to play?  Vinyl albums, man, those 12-inch discs of death could decapitate your brother or sister if thrown just right (Tip: also good against zombies).  That was a medium meant for Halloween.  You can’t get a-scairt much by cassettes or, for god’s sake, iPods.  “Oh, no!  My iPod has come to life and is… biting my ankle?  Also, why is it telling me I need to sign up for iTunes before it can kill me?”

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, Halloween albums from the good old days.  These suckers knew how to dampen your pants.  They had the screaming, the hollerin’, the wolves howling, the cats screeching, the bubbling cauldrons, witches’ laughs, and best of all, the moaning and groaning of the evil Count mixed in with the piercing shriek of a young (and assumedly hot) maiden.

That’s right, they sounded like they were bumping nasties.  On Halloween!  See?  A treat for the kids and the parents!

Nowadays I have to mix my own playlist of Halloween sounds if I want to avoid “Exploding Bowling Alley” (Seriously, it’s an honest-to-goodness real track), or “Underwater Madness”.  That last one’s just gonna make all the little kids take a piss.

I tell you, someone should put me in charge of the world so I can fix things.