By SKIPFITZ, Staff Writer

KANSAS CITY – In a surprise development–happening between the hours of 9:00 Sunday evening, and 5:00 Monday morning–Lil’ Auggy Doggy found his feet.

“It’s such a relief,” his feet said. “We thought we’d be lost for his entire life, but he came through for us even though we doubted.”

The Insta-Princess was equally happy. “He was making noises throughout the night, so I knew he was awake. But I had no idea when I walked in that he’d be holding his feet. His feet. There they were. Poof! Like magic.” Like magic, indeed. Although Mr. Doggy has been in possession of his feet for three months, he had been unaware of them the entire time. He’d occasionally curl his toes and look annoyed when SkipFitz tickled his feet, but Mr. Doggy refused to look in their direction, a sure sign of what many leading psychologists call “Not Knowing What The Hell Is Going On”.

“I was terrified,” admitted Mr. Feet. “We saw him, but he didn’t seem to notice us. Did he hate us? Did we smell? I’ve heard we’re supposed to smell, but that bastard, Mr. Nose, wouldn’t share any information. How are we supposed to know if the nasal passages don’t communicate? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!”

“I’m sorry,” said Mr. Feet after he calmed down. “I’m just so sensitive.”

When asked for comment, SkipFitz responded with a shrug. “I don’t see what’s so special about finding feet. I never found mine, and here I am.”

The Insta-Princess rolled her eyes. “Yes, but he couldn’t find his own… my, I shouldn’t say that, should I? That’s naughty.”

“Listen,” said Mr. Feet, “We’re just thrilled to have been found. Have you ever seen feet that haven’t been found?” Using a toe, he pointed at SkipFitz’s feet. “They’re cracked and dried and alone. So alone. No one wants feet to be like that, least of all the feet.”

Mr. Doggy was no available to comment as he spit up and went back to sleep, but his feet are confident that a celebration is in the works. “Now that we’re part of the family, I think a party is in order. All the body parts will be invited.”

“Except for that asshole, Mr. Nose.”